A Message to My Armenian Sisters

Portrait of an Armenian couple wearing traditional clothes Armenia - Atelier Marshalyan

As an Armenian, or a member of any other tightly knit ethnic community, the question of finding a spouse is exponentially more complicated than any 6th generation American can comprehend. Not only is there a mere 10 million Armenians worldwide, there is even less youth because Armenian do not tend to have many kids, and even less Armenians in your own local community. Then your parents have projected some kind of "mold" that you want your future spouse to fit into, as a means of qualifications. 

The question of what kind of man, my sisters will marry, has lingered in the back alleys of my mind on several occasions, especially right after I get done with a conversation with them, where some pervert was trying to game them. I think quite often how important it will be to their future happiness, but I also think of an even higher priority than their happiness, how it will impact their eternal life. 

It is said that the second most important decision you make is who you marry, right behind the decision of who you worship. So I want to break it down into a some important points to look out for when seeking a spouse. These will by no means guarantee happiness, they do not represent "me", as I don't live up to any of these ideals perfectly, but I press on to make the good qualities my own.

Armenian Guys to avoid: 

• "Talk the talk" : This is your charismatic, real talkative, real happy, likes lots of attention, but doesn't do much kind of guy. He might be even be a quiet, gaming addict, built a man cave, wears Star Trek jammies, has mom brings him dinner, real sensitive, no one understands him, going nowhere real fast. This is the guy who doesn't have a clear sense of where he is going, he thinks he is going to invest in some risky investment and make tons of money. He is chasing get rich quick schemes, if he is chasing anything except for porn to download at all. He is doing nothing today to reach his goals tomorrow. He might be in school, pursuing a degree he has no idea what he wants to do with. This is Mr. lazy. Avoid this person if you don't want to be his "mom" in the future. If you have to constantly pay for his meals, and give him rides to his dead-beat job that can barely pay for his gaming habits, you need to ditch this guy. This guy is a loser. If you love him, you will do what's best for him. Stop being his mom, and let him grow up. All the real men are tired of carrying his load around. 1 Timothy 5:8 ;2 Thessalonians 3:6
• "Egotist" : This is the guy who takes pride in everything he does and has. He is your type-A get it done, and he is just looking for a trophy wife. This is the guy who will ditch you for the next hottest girl. He takes you to expensive restaurants, but he isn't emotionally or mentally present. He wants you to admire all of his other trophies, and he makes it clear that is what he has to offer you. Some women are so naive as to actually think that this guy has more important things to do than get to know you on a date, and not constantly check his business contacts. This is the guy who doesn't have clear sexual boundaries, because he looks at every relationship like a business deal. This is the guy who after 5 years of marriage is downloading porn and thinking about how he can get away with cheating. He isn't involved with the kids, except for insisting that they are "his" and that its "your" job to make sure they are educated, healthy, always happy. He spoils the children, because he doesn't want to give them his time, and wants them to like him. He's always mad at his wife for not raising the kids properly. If he watches porn now don't think for a second he will change his habits once he starts having sex with you. This is the guy who beats his wife, and keeps her scared of leaving, threatening her with all sorts of lies. This guy does not submit to authority. You have to drag him to church, and everyone at church a "hypocrite" and somehow he is the most righteous of all, "the church is a big fraud anyway's, they just want your money". 
• "Mr. Addicted" - This guy can be both the "Egotist" and the "Talk-the-Talk". He is addicted to smoking, drinking, coffee, sex, drugs, gambling, or anything he thinks will satisfy his desires. He doesn't want his wife to call him when he is with his "boys", every single night. He is always burning with fake jealousy, which is just a cover up for his own cheating. His excuse is that you shouldn't worry because there just "whores" and he only loves you. He is violent and physically abusive with his wife. If any man ever raises there hands to you, run, run for you life, run away now! If you love him, you will do whats best for him, even if its hardest on you, and that's leaving him. This guy is paranoid always wanting to see who your texting, where you are at. These type of guys will avoid taking you out once your married. They want you to always be at home, so that your not in touch with anybody else, and they are curiously never at home. This is the guy who will cheat on his taxes, max out your credit cards and take a loan on the house in wife's name, he steals from his workplace, and is extremely unstable. He wants you far from your family so that they can't emotionally support you in case you want to leave him.

Qualities to look for in men:

• "Humbly Submitted" - Look, if you want a guy who will treat you right, and you will feel safe submitting to there leadership, you make sure that he is also submitted to God first. Its simple, if this guy is living in blatant sin and rebellion against God, he is not the right person for you. Don't be so naive as to think you can "save" someone. You can't even save yourself. Make sure your man loves the Scriptures, and wants to lead you to greater intimacy with him to Jesus Christ. If some guy won't pray with you, and read the Scriptures with you, this is the wrong relationship for you. All that tells me is he doesn't want to be in submission to anybody. So why would you want to submit to him?
• "Hard-working" - One mistake I see many Armenian girls making is they look for someone who is affluent, or who they think will eventually be (via inheritance). Rather, what you should be looking for is someone who is hard-working, and can walk the walk. This means they are going to get a real degree, they are driven in their education, they know exactly how they will provide for a family. This is the guy who might already be working, already producing money. He already has a plan to buy a home, or has already bought one. He has moved out of his house, or can afford move out. Don't just look for someone who is intelligent. There is a lot of those! Look for someone who will fight in a competitive job market to bring food to the table. 
• "Generous" - The last thing you want is some cheapo husband who won't even buy ice cream for his kids. You don't want the 10% guy who wouldn't tithe an extra penny, spends Saturday morning mowing his own lawn instead of with his wife because he doesn't want to pay someone else to do it. If he is too cheap to eat out, go on vacation, or do anything else that is fun, that is not someone I recommend, I don't care how "Godly" he thinks he is. You don't want that guy. Generous people value relationships over money. They make themselves uncomfortable, and give sacrificially, that is even when it hurts. They look for opportunities to donate their money and time to something other than themselves. You want someone who loves kids, not encouraging you to get an abortion on your second child because its a girl and he doesn't want to pay for the diapers.
• "Self-Controlled" - If he loves God and you, he will put the porn down, pull his zipper up, and keep his hands to himself. If he is pushing himself on top of you, wining about how he can't control himself, move on. That's not a man, its a little boy. Men can control themselves, they don't have to have a sexual joke for every girl who passes by, they are not constantly thinking about sex. This also means they know how to spend their money. The last thing you want is a guy who spends his whole paycheck the day he gets his money. Casino is a huge no no. If you want to gamble, bet on which charity has the highest administrative fee.