The Fallacy of Loving Someone for Their Qualities

Mary Qian - Gaze

●If I love you because you are beautiful, what will you do when someone else more beautiful grabs my attention and your beauty fades?
●If I love you because you are intelligent, what will you do when someone more intelligent stimulates my mind?
●If I love you because you are talented, what will you do when someone more talented sings, draws, writes, dances for me?
●If I love you because you are Godly, what will you do when someone more Godly than you comes into my life?
●If I love because you are charming, what will you do when someone more charming makes me laugh and smile?

The answer is you will be devastated because I will stop loving you as much as I love them.

Credit: Decca / Uwe Arens

Everyone wants to be loved. We all want to be wanted. And what culture teaches all of us is if you find someone who "thinks" you are the most _______ fill in the blank, you will find true love. So then we devote our time and effort to these attributes and things we think will be the most attractive, hoping someone will notice them and value them above all others, and we would never lose them. Their affections wouldn't end for us because we are the most ________ and they value that more than anything else. Everybody has to find their own worshiper. Once you find someone willing worship you, you are set. If you are really lucky, lots of people are willing to worship you. This never seems work though. We see over and over that relationships fail when someone likes the other because of their attributes. Life changes. People change. Women get pregnant. Men lose their hair. People become lukewarm in their faith and morally bankrupt. People lose their fortunes. Life is fleeting. And if attributes or anything else measurable is the glue of your relationship, the attracting force keeping two individuals together, you will not make it. Why? Because we are dissatisfied with our relationship. That relationship is like a contract. The terms of the contract are: give me your ________ attributes in exchange for my ________ attributes, and when the terms of the agreement are not met, the relationship ends.

I asked myself often, why do beautiful people often date less attractive individuals. I came up with several reasons why this might happen varying from, beautiful people who were insecure about their looks wanted a less attractive person who they felt would always value their appearance, to desperate shallow individuals seeking companionship with anyone they could get.

The problem with that explanation is that its not completely true. Now I understand more, that certain individuals in wisdom, love their partners despite their attributes, not because of them. This was a radical way of thinking for me, till I understood that this was the gospel. This was what Christianity was all about. Loving people despite their shortcomings. Grace. Despite who they were. Despite who they are. Despite who they will be. Its an unconditional commitment. Its the real love that gets through the suffering and hardship of life. Its the love God offers us. We can offer him nothing to impress him, even our faith is a gift. But he loves us despite all our shortcomings and even bears the full weight of a Roman crucifixion to cover our moral ugliness. He then brings us to life in him through his Spirit, a deposit, a guarantee, a promise of things to come, a taste of the life after, power to be spiritually alive now. Later we keep cheating on him and loving the world. He is still their, still loving us, and already paid for our sins with his blood. His promise remains true. He doesn't abandon us. He is still faithful even when we are unfaithful.

The opposite is idolatry. Its worshiping and seeking worship from somebody about yourself. Don't believe me? Ask yourself, what do people mean when they say they want to feel like the most beautiful, most valuable, most desirable person in someone else's life? You want adoration and devotion like the creator, but you're not the creator. You are the created. When you love someone solely for their good attributes, are you not tempting them to place their identity in these? All of a sudden your identity is shaped by your attributes because its the only way you know how to receive love.

This is the problem with seeing people as anything apart from vessels of varying grace. You see them doing well, then all of a sudden they let you down. You can either respond with judgement and condemnation, and reveal your self-righteousness and you're own pride, or you can recognize that you are no better, and lovingly serve the wounded by realizing that we are called to reflect the grace we have received, so that we can be called children of God. Jesus says this in the sermon on the mount in Matthew 5:44-45 when he says "But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be the sons of your Father who is in heaven." So keep showing grace, because you have received it, every one of us. Grace in spiritual life. Grace in our varying intellect, charm, and appearances. Love people despite who they are now, or who they might become. Love them regardless. Serve them regardless of all of that. Value someones need for grace as much as the grace they have received. This is not a call to disregard all these qualities and love the most jacked up person possible. No, it is a call not idolize any of those qualities, a call not to place them on a level where they shape identity. Because then you are taking a good thing and making it a God thing.

Last of all be patient. Wait until God pours real affection into your heart, and shows you that they are the right individual for you. Then you can receive love despite your flaws, and not just love them despite their flaws too. Its not centralizing over flaws, its placing forgiveness and grace at the heart of your relationship. Its not just seeing imperfections as perfect, its overlooking and working through imperfections without being in denial about them.